flirting by rote.

When I am with you

I should be butterflies

I should be ethereal

I should be sitting on the edge of my seat with excitement,

Breathless

Wanting

Waiting.

When I am with you,

I should look into your eyes and feel my chest constrict tight,

Tight,

Like a ribbon suddenly pulled into a bow.

When I am with you I am faking.

I am saying the right things in all the right places.

I am working the eyes and working the faces.

I am flirting and playing and making the grade.

But when I am with you I’m faking.

I know in my heart what I’m doing is wrong,

Could fuck up your world, your ideas, your thoughts

Of how women are.  Your trust in the process.

But when I’m with you I’m faking.

Like a compulsion, like drinking or eating

It’s gaming.  It’s expected

For me to be charming and try and want you…

To want you to want me.

Attention whore, or just wanting to be wanted,

The most human of all emotions.

Unfair and unbroken and totally heartless

Totally selfish.  Totally bad.

Even for a fleeting moment of thinking,

In my head,

YES this is a good idea.

Or even doubts about YES I WANT THAT.

It’s true,

When I’m with you I’m faking.

In my heart of hearts I hope you’ll know

Better next time, pick someone who cares a little bit more

About what could happen,

Rather than needing something right now

Consequences be damned.

But today you’re shit out of luck,

Because when I’m with you I’m faking.